A complicated beard trimmer for a complicated beard

My fancy-pants beard trimmer arrived. As you may recall reading here earlier, my previous Norelco died a quiet “Eh, I don’t feel like trimming” death last week.  I ordered the Philips Norelco T980, and it arrived earlier this week.  I haven’t charged or used it yet — my beard is in, but it’s fairly short.  I’m just reading the box, and wondering how sophisticated “beard trimmers” are these days.

1. “Sharper than Titanium” – Uh, what are we cutting here?
2. “Turbo Power Boost Button” – For when I hit a dense patch?  Or if Michael is in trouble?
3. “9 Lock-in Length Settings” – Good, but I only ever use the one setting.
4. “Flexing Comb for Complete Control” – Flexing?  Who needs pilates?
5. “Powerful Vacuum” – It sucks up my hair into the “hair chamber.”
6. “Clear view Hair Chamber” – I can see my own discarded hair!
7. “Travel/Storage Pouch” – Fancy!

Norelco T-980

I jest, but I do appreciate a good trimmer.  My first trimmer was this cheapo Wahl model.  It had 3 settings, and the edges of the clippers would always catch a hair, and YANK! it out of my chin.  Gosh, I hated that thing. Trim trim trim trim I have a date tonight.  Trim trim trim should I wear the red shirt or YANK!